Get Bitter Or Be Better

Divorce can be a very painful and challenging process, but it can also be an opportunity for growth and personal development. Instead of focusing on blame and bitterness, it is important to focus on the present moment and on the future. This means taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings, and recognizing that you have the power to choose your own mindset and to focus on what is good in your life.

“You either get bitter or you get better. It's that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.” By Josh Shipp

One way to do this is to practice self-care and self-love. This means taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, and treating yourself with kindness and compassion. It also means recognizing your own worth and value, and not allowing the divorce to define your identity or your sense of self-worth.

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." -Aristotle

Another way to move past bitterness and towards a better future is to focus on forgiveness. This does not mean that you have to forget or condone any wrongs that may have been committed, but it does mean that you are willing to let go of anger, resentment, and bitterness in order to move forward. Forgiveness can be a powerful tool for healing and for releasing negative emotions.  Forgiveness is freedom.

Ultimately, the choice to be better instead of bitter is up to you. It requires a willingness to let go of negative emotions and to focus on the positive aspects of your life. It also requires a commitment to personal growth and to creating a better future for yourself. By choosing to focus on the good and to let go of the bad, you can move past the pain of divorce and towards a happier and more fulfilling life.

Steps to be Better Than Bitter

1. Take Accountability

Nobody is perfect in a partnership, and reflection is the best way to express progress.  Write down all of the ways you showed up in the relationship, ways you feel you could have shown up differently for your partner, and write down an affirmation of acceptance.

2. Set Boundaries

Create specific boundaries with your partner (ex-partner).  Think about what triggers your bitterness, and put boundaries around those behaviors or interactions.  Provide specific consequences.  This is not about removing someone completely from your life - it is about understanding that the people that most trigger you can be your best teachers.  You most likely do not know how to set boundaries  - or that we have never done so properly.

3. Reflect

What can I learn from this relationship?  Just know that we are not responsible for other people’s happiness.  Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.  Your actions or non-actions based on your thoughts and feelings can trigger thoughts and feelings in others that may lead to unhappiness, but you are not in control of those. 

• Could it be possible that it was the thought your partner had about themselves that created feelings of dissatisfaction that made them act or not act in certain ways that created by their definition an undesirable result?

• Maybe they thought they were not enough.  Issues around self-worth. How did that make them feel when they thought they were not enough?  How did those feelings drive their actions?  When they acted that way what did you make that mean?

4. Reframe

Reframe your thoughts about the relationship and your ex-partner. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects, try to find positive aspects or things you can learn from the experience. Challenge negative thoughts and beliefs that may be contributing to your bitterness

5. Practice forgiveness

Forgiveness is not about excusing the behavior or forgetting what happened, it is about releasing yourself from the negative emotions and energy associated with the experience. Forgiveness is a process, and it may take time, but it is important to work towards it.

6. Take care of yourself

Focus on self-care and self-love. Do things that make you feel good and bring you joy. Take care of your physical health, emotional health, and mental health. Surround yourself with positive people and things that uplift you.

Seek support. It can be helpful to talk to a therapist, coach, or trusted friend or family member about your experience and feelings. They can provide a listening ear, support, and guidance as you work through the process of moving from bitterness to better.

7. Seek support

It can be helpful to talk to a therapist, coach, or trusted friend or family member about your experience and feelings. They can provide a listening ear, support, and guidance as you work through the process of moving from bitterness to better.

Remember, it is okay to feel bitter or angry about a past relationship, but it is important to work through those emotions in a healthy way in order to move forward and create a better future for yourself.

Think about the fact that both partners may talk about rejection.  We can think of rejection both as a feeling as well as a result.

1. Feeling of rejection that comes from a thought which is creating actions or inactions in your life that drive results.
2. The result of rejection which is  driven by the actions of disconnection, pushing away, which comes a possibility of feeling of inadequacy that came from the thought of not being enough.

Both scenarios are generated by thoughts. 

Better Not Bitter: Focusing on Positivity After Divorce

In order to be Better Than Bitter, you can choose to focus on the positive aspects of the divorce, such as the opportunity for growth and self-improvement. You can also choose to focus on the good memories and positive experiences that you shared with your ex-spouse, rather than dwelling on the negative. It is important to remember that even if the marriage did not work out, it is still possible to find happiness and fulfillment in life.

Taking Control of Your Thoughts and Emotions

By choosing to be Better Than Bitter, you are taking control of your thoughts and emotions, rather than allowing them to control you. You are also setting a positive example for your children, who may be struggling with the divorce as well.

Remember that happiness is a decision, not an outcome. You have the power to choose your mindset and your actions, and by doing so, you can create a more positive and fulfilling life for yourself, both during and after the divorce.

Take the  Better than Bitter Challenge:

Pause and Reflect

If you start to go down that negative bitter road, I want to challenge you to pause.
Think about the results you want to achieve.
If you have children, what is the result you want to achieve for them?
Do they deserve to hear bad things about their parents?
Do they not need both parents in their lives – and do you believe they deserve to have a positive relationship with each of their parents?

Accountability and Self-Kindness

Take a moment to try to not make the separation about what you are not.  Take accountability for how you showed up, but be kind to yourself with gratitude and foregiveness.
Clean up your room.

Understanding Your Spouse's Feelings

Ask yourself, is there a chance that the reason that your spouse may be unhappy is more about how they feel about themselves vs. anything that you did or did not do.
Can you feel love?  Or would I rather feel some really negative emotion and yell because I like feeling awful? What would it take to choose to love?

Better than Bitter: A Journey, Not a Destination

Remember that being Better than Bitter is a journey, not a destination. It takes practice and patience. But the more you choose love over bitterness, the easier it becomes. And the more you clean your own room, the more space you create for happiness and love to enter.
So take the challenge, and choose to be Better than Bitter. Your happiness and the happiness of those around you depend on it.

Exercise: Reflecting and Reframing

Write Down Your Thoughts

Write down your thoughts about the WHY of your divorce (take accountability for your actions as well as your thoughts about your spouse)
For each WHY, what are you making that mean about you?
Can you then change the lens of your thoughts and think about the fact that your spouse has their own thoughts that are creating their feelings, so what could those stories be – write those down.

Desired Results

What are the results that you want in your life and for your family?
What can I do today, each day – that comes from a place of love and peace?
When someone wants you to behave in a certain way to make them feel good, what is that like for you?

Affirmations for Positivity and Self-Love

Then repeat the following affirmations:

• It is not my job to make someone feel good about themselves
• I’m not here to validate anyone else
• I will show up with love, kindness, compassion, and empathy
• I am not to blame for others unhappiness
• I will not  blame others for my unhappiness
• I will show up knowing that I am love-able, can love myself
• I will create fulfillment in my life
• I will throw away the manual for the expectations I set for others
• I will set boundaries.

Choosing Happiness

It's important to recognize that happiness is a choice that we make, and we can't rely on external circumstances or other people to make us happy. In the case of a divorce, it's easy to blame oneself or to feel like a failure, but it's important to remember that a divorce is a mutual decision that often has many factors involved.

Creating a Positive Future

By focusing on the results you want to achieve after the divorce is final and creating a plan for how to get there, you can take control of your own happiness and move forward in a positive way. It's important to let go of any blame or self-doubt and to focus on what you can control in the present moment.

Remember, you are responsible for your own happiness, and by making the decision to be happy, you can empower yourself to create a fulfilling and joyful life for yourself, regardless of external circumstances.