Finding Balance: Emotional Regulation Through Divorce

Going through a divorce, whether it's a mutual decision or not, is undoubtedly an emotional roller coaster. Just like the well-known 5 stages of grief associated with death, divorcing individuals often experience 7 stages of grief in what Judith Weigle, podcaster The Amicable Divorce Expert,  calls "our emotional divorce." In our divorce preparation course, we stress the importance of navigating these emotional stages before embarking on the legal aspects of divorce. Part of this emotional journey involves learning how to effectively manage your feelings during this grieving process, a task that is far from easy. Your primitive brain, responsible for fight or flight responses, tends to activate when you feel threatened, making emotional regulation a challenging yet crucial task.


Our approach, developed from various techniques, offers a helpful step-by-step tool to create space and prevent your primitive brain from taking over each time you encounter uncomfortable emotions.


The R-model follows four key steps:

• Regulate: Start by bringing awareness to what you're feeling. Recognize the emotional state you're in and acknowledge it.
• Re-think: Examine the thoughts surrounding the facts of the matter that triggered these emotions. Try to differentiate between the actual facts and your thoughts about them. Remember Byron Katie's wisdom: "Without that thought, there would not be a problem." Consider whether shifting your perspective could lead to different emotions and physical sensations.
• React: Evaluate your initial reaction and behaviors. Ask yourself whether the way you're about to react aligns with the results you hope to achieve.
• Respond: With intention, choose your response. Consider how your actions and words will either bring you closer to or push you further from the desired outcome.

When you sense your heart rate rising, heat flooding your body, or an urge to react impulsively, pause. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and count backward from 10. Allow yourself a brief body timeout. Notice the vibrations in your body and simply let them be, sit with them, those vibrations will begin to dissipate if you let them be there. Then, re-think the situation. Ask yourself about the facts and your thoughts surrounding them. Can you shift your thinking to evoke a different emotional response?  To allow yourself physical space to go through this process, you may have to say “I need some time to process, can we take a break so this conversation can be productive”.  This is ok to do.  The most important thing to remember is that this is a process and it will not happen easily or quickly - and there will be a lot of communications between you and your spouse that will be uncomfortable - and it is 100% ok for you to remove yourself if you feel like you will not be able to move through this emotional regulation in that very moment.    Try not to do it in anger, work to stay calm and say you need some time with love.
Remember that you can't control others; you can only control your reactions to them. Recognize the power you have in deciding how you'll react. Your responses directly influence the path to an amicable divorce. Stay intentional with your thoughts. As Brene Brown wisely notes about relationship communication is, "What story are you telling yourself?" Your internal narratives shape your feelings more than the actual facts or life circumstances. Take time to re-think and reframe your perceived truth. Focus on the facts and create a new inner dialogue that fosters productive emotions, ultimately leading you toward the results you desire in your divorce and your future.