Divorce Reflections: Your Journey To Inner Empowerment

In divorce, we often find ourselves facing our own reflection in the mirror. At that moment, we are confronted with three choices - to embrace what we see, turn away, or try to distort what we see with new angles, outfits, or backgrounds.

Mirror Reflection

How do you respond to the reflection in the mirror of your life? What of the three choices - embrace, avoid, or buffer? What aspects of your reflection make you uncomfortable? Can you pinpoint the discomfort, the reasons for your desire to distort or make excuses for the image in the mirror?
During a divorce, it's easy to point fingers and place blame, but it's far more challenging to take responsibility for your own reflection. Often, it's not just one emotion that causes us to turn away, but a flood of them all at once. The emotional burden reaches its limit, and together, these emotions can feel like a form of death. This is when you turn your head, walk away, numb the feelings, make excuses, or lay blame. As in the article where I talk about fear, it is that moment of groundlessness, where you can't hold it together.

We all have our limits, and it's important not to pretend to be superhuman. Reaching the point of emotional exhaustion leaves us with only one option: rebirth. It might be time to stop struggling and dive headfirst into what's so threatening.

Reflecting on Feelings

Our feelings are like messengers, indicating where our thoughts are leading us. It's essential to reflect on those thoughts and ensure awareness of the thoughts' impact on our emotions rather than attributing everything to external circumstances.  As it relates to divorce there are so many emotions tied to it, but the primary feeling that so many individuals report is that feeling of failure or personal inadequacy.  I challenge you to explore what thought is causing us to feel inadequate or a failure? Are you thinking in black and white?  All or nothing.  What if it had nothing to do with who you were but instead the other person - their ability to love or be loved “love-ability”.  There is so much you could unpack here and rethink what you are seeing in the mirror.  Instead of looking at all of your faults, what about if you could admire your beauty?  If you thought about all of the things that you are vs. are not, how would that make you feel.  How would that reflection look to you?  Could you stay looking in that mirror for longer, is there a need to distort or walk away?

OCD-CBT Correlation

Consider the connection to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Individuals with OCD are compelled to perform rituals due to irrational fears. It's a correlation we can draw to understand why people sometimes accommodate their fears, make excuses, or blame rather than face them head-on.

Mr. Bossy's Voice: Imagine your inner voice, "Mr. Bossy," constantly telling you to avoid what makes you uncomfortable, or make accommodations so your discomfort is lessened.  Mr. Bossy keeps your mind "stuck" and hinders you from confronting the fear or discomfort. We know through CBT that by avoiding what causes you discomfort allows that discomfort to grow, making it even harder to process. Then you see yourself creating excuses for your in-actions.

The correlation to OCD and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is significant. People with OCD accommodate their fears by performing compulsive actions, but CBT encourages them to face their fears. Avoiding discomfort, whether due to OCD or other life situations, keeps you stagnant, unable to process the discomfort, and hinders your progress towards getting the results you desire.

Embracing Discomfort

So, what can we learn from this? Look in the mirror. Feel the discomfort. Hold those feelings until they start to subside. Part of the discomfort might stem from your interactions with your spouse. Remember that you can't control other people's thoughts, feelings, actions, or behaviors. You can, however, control your reaction to them.  Not reacting, not engaging may be extremely hard - but keep the knowledge with you that your reactions or engagement is what is going to keep you calm.  Again, you cannot control them so work on controlling you.

In addition, nobody can make you FEEL anything.  You have the power over your own feelings.  It is your THOUGHTS about their actions, in-actions, reactions or behaviors that are making you feel a certain way.  Bottom line, what they do is not causing you to feel - you are causing you to feel based on your thoughts.  So shift your thinking.  If you allow what they do to take control over your thoughts that create those feelings of discomfort and pain you are giving them the control.

Acceptance

You will have a million thoughts running through your mind during this process. It is important that you focus on the ones that will keep you looking in that mirror, not avoiding, and not distorting for comfort. Accept what you see in the mirror, and try not to be overly concerned about others' opinions. Their thoughts and words are beyond your control. Focus on finding inner peace with yourself and your situation.

  
Divorce's Internal Noise

Divorce brings an influx of internal and external noise. Your mind races, self-criticism runs rampant, and moving forward feels like an arduous task.

Challenge

Challenge yourself to look in the mirror, practice acceptance, and silence your inner "Mr. Bossy." Sit with your discomfort. Rethink about your life circumstances intentionally - find a place that is not black and white or all or nothing.  Find thoughts that align with your desired outcomes and that drive feelings associated with hope and knowingness that a brighter future awaits. We are not saying not to have negative emotions, it is important for you to process those.

Allow negative emotions to exist, just stop running from them since that is only going to make them stick around.  I encourage you to face the discomfort head on.  Do what your brain is telling you not to do. Sit with the vibration in your body that feels uncomfortable, and take action when the turbulence within you subsides. But don’t sit with thoughts that are not serving you.  Thoughts like my marriage was a failure or I must not have been good enough - those thoughts will not serve you in moving forward amicably with love.  Love for yourself and a new kind of love that you will work to create with your ex spouse.  Reaching your destination and desired outcome will not come without traffic jams, road construction, and detours - but not listening to WAZE, being impatient and trying to avoid all of the known obstacles may leave you stranded.