The Promise of the 20-Year Marriage Contract

What if marriage was not “til dealth do  us part”?  What if marriage evolved to be a 20 year contract with the option to renew?  You would have the ability to renew your contract, or to stay with that individual post contract expiration - but it is not obligatory.

Planning Life with a Finite Marital Commitment

What if you planned your life as a married couple knowing there is a potential end to the marital commitment but not familial commitment.  You plan your finances, your child rearing and your retirement around the end of this contract. There would be marriage lawyers vs. divorce lawyers which would allow for  the conversations and negotiations to be more civil and amenable since it will come from a place of love vs. hate..   Kids wouldn’t be pulled into a potential bitter divorce, it would just be a planned uncoupling that was predetermined at the beginning. Kids would expect, and it would just be accepted as the next phase of life.  Would you be able to leave the marriage with love and kindness and a possibility of friendship?

Knowing that there is an out that is acceptable with no stigma.  No stigma for your kids, no stigma around your family or friends, no financial benefits removed.  Would you approach your marriage differently? Would the thought of failure be replaced with thinking around growth opportunities, and would there be excitement around the next phase of your life vs. fear.  Would you celebrate the time you do have together as partners with more interest and excitement?  Would you work harder to hold on to what you have knowing that there is a chance it may end? How would you organize your life together knowing that it is a finite contract.

There is so much relational damage to children, family, and community in divorce - stigma associated with it.  But what if we just changed and evolved the marriage agreement.   Although many write their own vows, the traditional vows  date back to 1549 The Book of the Common Prayer that stated the "I, _____, take thee, _____, to be my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance."

If the institution of marriage shifted knowing that in today's world over 50% of people get divorced, and of the 50% of those that stay together - only 20% of them are happy.  So why has this not evolved?

Evolving Marriage Agreements

How can we change the mindset of what marriage is and should be to something more associated with the original origins or matrimony - family, mutual obligations, and establishing peaceful relationships within your community.  Pre-1563, matrimony was not legal or religious unions, they were essentially casual agreements between families or clans, to establish "peaceful relationships, trading relationships, [and] mutual obligations."

People change so much in their lifetime, and to think that there is only one person for everyone is that realistic.  We live our life in stages, should we not accept that we may have different life stage partners?

Addressing the Fear of Divorce

Most people feel like they are going to be happier once divorce is completed.  They will be able to be free from the other person that they THINK caused them unhappiness. But if we look at the research, divorce allows for some level of new freedom - but as they say, is the grass actually greener?  The bitterness of divorce - money, kids, etc. may cause just as much if not more problems in so many couples if not managed as a conscious uncoupling process.  But does it have to be?


It has been stated that the US has an infatuation with marriage.  Where other countries do not put as much emphasis on marriage.  You can live and commit - but still not marry.


This brings me back to the same question - Is there a reason why we need to be with the same person for more than 50% of our life?  I believe that most people stay in unhappy marriages because of the alternative of being alone.  What is so scary about being alone for most people?

Maybe it is evolving, since the research shows that Millennials and GenZers are holding off on marriage in fear of divorce.  Working on their careers, wanting financial stability before signing any nuptials.  If fear is driving action, why not change what marriage is?  If partners have intent to have children together, can they not move forward with love and commitment towards raising a family and being together knowing that there is a date that comes where their commitment to the union can be absolved or renewed?

What if divorce was just accepted as a life stage option. The contract would establish a check-in date for renewal  - would there still be fear associated with getting married?

Our society has created a financial benefit to marriage - tax breaks, medical, etc. We need to take a look at why being single puts you at a disadvantage?  It immediately says - single is bad! Get married and you will get your rewards points.

There is so much beauty in love.  We don’t want to intellectualize marriage to the point where the magic fades.  Realizing that talking about the end before the beginning could definitely change the romanticism associated with wanting to marry.  It is noted that the decision to get married or to move in with a partner is a personal one, but for most married and cohabiting adults, love and companionship trump other considerations, such as the desire to have children someday, convenience or finances.

So how can we evolve the idea of marriage without removing the joy and romanticism of committing to your partner?  When you create a 20 year contract your commitment is stronger based on the fact that the contract has incorporated purpose.  Why did you choose each other, why you are the best partners to accomplish this 20 year dream, and why you are suited to handle the challenges that face us in life together.

Based on the start and end of this 20  year contract - would it in fact remove the stigma to the end of marriage - kids, community, and self? How can we minimize the fear around uncoupling logistics; dividing assets, potentially moving, figuring out custody. Then there are the feelings of embarrassment, guilt, or regret often surface when divorce is our choice.

You can’t control your community response to divorce - for some it has a negative connotation where you may experience your inner circle instead of giving support, treating you like you've been infected with the divorce virus, and they better not get too close, or they might catch it too. All of this ultimately feeds isolation which is all driven by the way as a society we have framed the institution of marriage.  We have created a system where marriage is viewed and treated as superior to singledom or cohabitation without marriage.

It all goes back to what we have determined as acceptable and desired.  Does long lasting consummate love trump all, or can we reframe how society views divorce to create more acceptance, love, and peace that surrounds an intentional uncoupling. Is it natural for everyone that gets married to live a wholehearted life and stay committed to one, or is there not an acceptable societal option to want something different as we grow and change that we can preemptively consider at the time of marriage vs. time of divorce?